Do You Think You Are A Nice Person?

Several years ago, I was talking to my mother. She told me about a woman, a distant relative of hers. She said that this woman had married 8 times. Some have died and with some, she had a divorce. So, my mother wanted to know how her life was with each of her husbands. If any of them was specific, better. So, she asks:

– Abla (elder sister in Turkish) which of them do you think was the best?

– They were all the same.

– Really? How come?

– Because I was the same.

– I don’t understand. How can they all be the same?

– I was the same person with all of them. So, they behaved the same way with every one of them. Thus, they treated me the same way.

This made me think of my previous relationships. She was right, I had similar, if not the same issues with all of them. I started thinking of myself, my approach with the people I know, with my friends, acquaintances, girlfriends… It was all about me, not them. Whatever I was doing, was coming back to me. Same mistakes, same outcomes and some failed relationship experiences. Especially about romantic relationships.

Then, it was last summer. I was dancing salsa with a girl, who was in her early 20s. I knew her for over a year at the time. Although I have only seen her during the social dance next to the Thames, on some occasions, we had nice and long conversations. One day when we were talking, I said:

– You are a very nice person.

She said:

– No, I am not.

– ?

– I am actually not nice at all. I am only nice to you.

– Why? How?

– I usually am rude to people. I scold them. I don’t smile at them much.

– But you do to me.

– Yes, but that is because you are nice. You are smiling and are kind. So, I am acting the same way as you.

This conversation was quite an eye-opening one for me. It reminded me of what my mother told me a long time ago. It made me feel and understand that we always see what we reflect, we show the outside world. What goes around, comes around in other words.

If we are nice and kind, the attitude we will receive back will be more or less the same. It is not the same all the time, though. Sometimes we will come across rude people even if we act nicely. It, in most cases, has nothing to do with us. In other words, their bad attitude is mostly about them, about what kind of a day they are having or what kind of problems they have. It may not be about us at all. To be fair, such cases are not that plenty. The majority of the time, it is our reflection that comes back to us.

Let’s think about kids. They do the same things as they see from their parents.

If their parents read books, they will read books.

If their parents are kind to one another, they will be kind to others.

If their parents are on their phones all the time, they will always be on their phones.

The list goes on and on.

However, I also want to highlight that being good, doing good, does not necessarily mean that we make our people exploit us,  our goodness. We can be good and not let us be exploited at the same time. We do not have to be a doormat to be deemed good. It is all about our attitude towards others and our perception of the things happening to us, nothing more.

I also think of Einstein’s words: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

So, do you think you are sane?